Woman

And someone led you to believe you were much too old

It was much too late

Those dreams you had they were left for someone wiser more talented than you

Yet each time you glanced you felt like it is everything you’ve dreamed of—

but they said you were too old

you lacked the skill

don’t have the look —

Listen.

You are a woman

burning to be free

Don’t let them dictate your life

you let them run the show with all the applause you got

so when the curtains closed and it was time for them to go

you forgot how to run the show

at one point this was what you wanted

they said this is what we like you as

and so when it was time to grow

they ran

Yeah?

Well let them run

They’ll run their own race

You– you just go at your own pace

you still got the stage

what you say goes

own that stage

you won’t go

let ‘em know

Born.

To anyone who has ever wished they were someone else: Don’t.

There are days where you’ll wish you could wash away.

There are times where you’ll wish you had more but know that no matter the reason

there is no better season to love yourself than now.

Know that there is no one you can control but your own two feet.

Know that there is no one better than you and no one bolder than you.

Know that you were built to live here right now.

All you have is NOW.

Know that everything you’re worried about is merely an illusion.

Know that everyone you’re crying about was meant to wash away.

Know that you are wonderful just the way you are.

No need to prove it to anyone.

Manifest the powers you already have hidden inside.

You were born beautiful.

Live as such.

I’m In Love With the Old You

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“Fear ain’t in the heart of me. I learned just do it. You get courage in your fears right after you go through it.” – T. I.

There is something so beautiful about the past that is also absolutely terrifying.

Some people despise digging deep inside of their lives in fear that they will end up where they once were (myself included) but only recently have I finally decided to confront this fear. I packed no bags and headed to California for what would become the longest time I’ve been home since I’ve lived at home.

Home has always been my escape. It’s a place where most people (Lord’s blessing) find peace within themselves. To be absolutely honest I spent most of my days at home. In high school I worked about seven jobs, played sports and was super involved in school so most times after interning past 11 pm and volunteering on Sundays all I wanted to do was be home with my mom.

For the longest time I couldn’t help but thinking there was something weirdly, oddly, and abnormally, well mostly socially, wrong with me. I LOVE people. Why in the world did I spend most of my time working and on my mother’s lap? Truth was, that’s who I actually am. And I am perfectly fine with admitting that…actually OWNING that. I have spent most of my life working and spend most all my days either working on dreams or dreaming up new ones. That and eating way too much lamb curry…seriously.

Since my inception I’ve had two loves in my life: reading and writing. After a nice hot shower the other day (because that’s my thinking zone- go ahead, imagine me…jk that’s awkward…and so are you…k back to the story) I busted out in a shy-quiet-admirable yet kinda daring laughter. For some odd reason a tiny little junior high fling popped up in the back of my head (now this is getting really weird..remove your thoughts of me in the shower)… but no seriously.

There was this little boy (obviously he’s grown now..well I hope..not too sure where he is and that’s okay) who liked me oh so much that he wrote me a letter. It was the sweetest little letter and the more I thought about it the more I wish I would’ve kept it. Did I? After a couple days of thinking I decided to go through some of my old letters (thinking as in actually living my life and wondering why the heck that intrigued me so much). I knew I kept a good portion of all my old stuff but what I found was absolutely ….hilarious…compelling. I mean compelling…but mostly hilarious.

To be honest I laughed…A LOT. There is a giant drawer in my room full of old letters from family, friends, little boys and co-workers (not in that order and obviously now grown men now- don’t be creepy). As I started pulling apart the letters I was blown away, not only by the amount of notes I used to pass in class (yes I saved those too) but by how much some things just don’t change.

I found letters and letters FULL of the same dreams and ideas I believe in today (Yeah I even wrote to myself- deal with it). The more I delved in the more I found how much writing not only shaped my life but saved my life. There was a specific date to which all the letters had stopped. A point in my life where I stopped writing because it became too hard to bare the burden of my own truth.

Growing up I wrote everything. I read everything. I was in love with words. I am in love with words. Sometimes I would cancel days with friends to read behind my doors…today I cancel dates with boys to read in my bed (go ahead judge me..I don’t care). There was something so beautiful about the way in which words could stimulate your mind.

But somewhere along the lines I begin to rely on other people to do this and so I lost my mind and with that came the inability to do what I deeply love. There were certain relationships that harmed my well being but I did not see it at the time. Only today can I see how much periods of my life harmed my natural voice.

Only today can I feel how much those same periods of my life helped strengthen my voice. In times of darkness we often choose to hide and conceal the hurt but when we’re out we find that there is an abundant amount of brilliance and healing that comes during the darkest of these times.

Today I’m re-balancing my love for writing and reinvesting in the one thing that really makes me happy and chose to share it with you because I think there are truths within ourselves we sometimes hide. There are truths within our past that can guide us to becoming who we are meant to be but too often we think that what we’ve been through is holding us back from   becoming who we actually have been striving to be this whole time.

But the more we live and the more we experience the more we feel ourselves coming back to the visions we’ve had in our mind all along. As we start to make goals and resolutions for ourselves I ask you to go back to a time when all you knew how to do was to live life as it came, not for what you wished to attain. A time when you didn’t look towards someone to guide your ‘what do you want to be when you grow up’ question but instead you busted out with confidence who you wanted to be.

For this I say go back to the young girl- the young boy- within you who knew nothing but to believe in their pursuits.

There are dreams within us all. It is our responsibility to delve into them.

An know that if there is fear, there also lies the space for great faith.

The visions in our mind sometimes just need a new start.

A chance at complete faith.

Nothing is ever over.

You define you.

Be you.

Live your truth.

P.S. …in case you’re wondering… I never found the letter but I found other letters that have me rolling on the floor. So now I’m going to get back to rolling…love your past..it has shaped your present….you wouldn’t be who you are without it but it doesn’t mean that’s all you are. You have years to go. You have lives to meet. Keep going. You got this. Sending you love for all your dreams in 2015!

Love,

You. Your best you.

xoxo

You Don’t know Me: The Work Behind the Piece

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“No one is going to hand you anything. You have to work for it. What do you think, money grows on trees? ” My dad would always say.

Shortly after, we would run to the tree by the patio and shake it until the leaves fell. Some days we would bring leaves to my dad and say ‘look pa we found money.’ All jokingly of course, but most days we’d work to make the leaves fall. There wasn’t a day I didn’t work. I was notorious for being found lying in the hallway on top of a stack of papers because either 1) I had fallen asleep from working or 2) My bare body on the tiled floor felt nice but we’ll save those weird fetishes for later.

It’s important to think about what you don’t see. No one knows that on three occasions when I was a wee teenager I collapsed past the point of exhaustion and couldn’t function for a couple days. They also don’t know that before I applied to college I was in the hospital after not being able to move, eat or sleep for three days. After applying to 26 colleges on my own (cause ain’t nobody know how to do them applications) I made it to this mystical place called university.

Moving out here I didn’t know a single soul….down the whole coast. I didn’t have a single connection but I didn’t let that stop me. I chugged away and worked. When I came here I worked four jobs and waited in line for nine others. I missed just about every Christmas. I couldn’t make Thanksgiving and all my birthdays were spent working. Just recently I was in an airport on the 4th of July watching the fireworks from the glass window – all that lasted but four minutes -before my train came and I cried to my dad about how hard it gets being away from family sometimes. After listening to my weeps, he simply said, ‘Cynthia you’ve worked dang hard for everything you’ve wanted and that is why you get it. One birthday, one Christmas is not going to kill you. We’re here. We’ll always be here. You can come back and celebrate later. Work for now so you don’t have to work a day in your life.”

Although I know this and realize how blessed I am I always catch a bug in me that can’t quit. Sure, I could drop my hustle and let everything go but I choose to keep going because after working since I was about 14 I’ve realized that this isn’t for me. This hit me hard this summer when I was working for the coolest companies and was presented with some really awesome opportunities to ‘move up.’ I turned them all down and will continue to. My purpose here isn’t to work till I get all the money in the world- anyone can do that. (And if you choose to LORD BLESS YOU and I support you- no wrong with this.) I just know that my job isn’t to make figures, it is to be a figure for girls.

To sit and grind away until every girl stands. There are things we go through as little girls that no one understands but ourselves. Although we may not have the best relationships with those around us we have a DANG good relationship with our self because on some days that’s all we got. We don’t care if the world doesn’t know us we just want to know ourselves. We know how much we’re worth and we know how much we want to escape sometimes. What we’ve been through is sometimes why we hustle so hard; because we don’t want to stay there.

Do not be surprised by our ambition, be enamored by it. Do not feel sympathy. We know what we want and we’re not afraid because we’ve been taught that the only thing that can sometimes kill us are the bullets that we’ve seen through the panes of our windows. And once we’re out we won’t duck not because we aren’t scared -we still feel that sometimes- but because we know what real pain is. And we won’t stop -not because we don’t need money- but because we know what it really means to be alive.

“To live does not mean your alive.”

Grind until you feel alive.

xoxo

Would You tell your Mom what he said?

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I’ve been in terrible relationships.

When thinking back to a destructive relationship I had I repeatedly ask myself how I got so caught up in it at the time. I was and still am a very good girl. I don’t know the difference between distilled water and alcohol and I cried when I twitter searched the buzz around Kim K.’s pictures. Not to say neither of the two make you a ‘bad girl’ but you know what I mean. I am seriously five years old at times. Not because I don’t know anything but because I’ve been torn to the grain to know better. I’ve learned not only the importance of the relationship I have with myself but more importantly, the relationship I have with my mother.

Surprisingly my mother doesn’t know a lot of my past. Most girls in unhealthy relationships choose not to tell anyone because they’re afraid that they will lose what feels like love at the time. Today, I tell my mother everything. When something upsets me or when something doesn’t seem right I think to myself ‘would I be able to tell my mom what he said?’ or ‘would I be able to tell my mom what I said?’ If the answer is ‘no’ you might want to think twice about where your relationship is at and whether it brings out the best in both of you.

If there are times where either of you have said something to hurt or belittle the other PLEASE go all  ‘Ooooo I’m gonna tell my mom what you said.’ Not to be children but that little girl knows her worth even during times we forget our own last name. Your worth is the single most important thing you can carry with you especially when in relationships.

Those you care deeply about should get the best of you. Sure you’ll have bad days but those you love should not be soundboards onto which you pour your miseries. They should be springboards on to which you reflect your light. It’s not being overly robust or untrue to your character, it’s simply remembering that those who have been here all along deserve the same love, if not more, as those you acquaint.

Let those you love see your light.

<3

7 Truths I won’t Trade

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When you start competing with yourself you’ll realize that there are truths about yourself you just won’t trade.
Even if the world took them from you you’d still have them hidden deep down inside.

Here are a few of mine:

1) I work really really really hard.

2)  My professional success is measured by how hard I worked today not two years ago.

3) If I have to worry about what you’re doing for a second, I don’t need you.

4) I LOVE people. When I say I love people. I mean it in the craziest-I-will-remember-everything you say way.

5) I believe in God. Period.

6) No matter how hurtful or happy EVERYTHING happens as it should.

7) Books heal my soul more than chocolate .

What are your truths?

The more you know about yourself the more confidently you can go about your life as no one else but your marvelous self.

You are Not Your Past: Dealing With Insecurities

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I repeat, you are not your past. You are not in the past nor are you your past.

If you’re human, you’ve probably been through a thing or two, seen a few and felt a couple too.
But I’m here to tell you, you are not any of that. What you’ve seen, what you’ve felt and what you’ve feared is not who you are.

There is a place in the past that can sometimes haunt, most times hurt and all times harm. Harm in the sense that we feel fear, all of which is non-existent. Yet it can hold us back more than we do ourselves. You are not holding yourself back.

You, the full actual loving being you are, is pulling you out and pushing you on to become your best self. Along the process, the past, almost a bubble of insecurity, is dragging you down. If you feel weighed down, chances are there are great insecurities deep within you that need to be rolled out and ironed like a pair of tidy whities and boy shorts.

How? Dig deep. Your favorite kind of potato-chip bag deep where you can’t stop eating. But wait, don’t eat too much, you may feel a little sick. Our thoughts can be deadly but they are essential to funneling out who we are. When thoughts arise instead of trying to resist the feelings or have them consume you, take them as if you would a movie screening.

Allow them to float in front of you, as a movie , not within you. Watch the thoughts and question where they come from and what they are trying to tell you. If you take these thoughts personally and internalizes them, your wee soul will scrunch up and tighten.

Instead, simply view them. When they arise, write them down. Over time, you’ll start to see a pattern of thoughts that all lead to one insecurity. It will take time to figure out the source of this burden but overtime you’ll become more honest with yourself. Write your insecurities away. It’s a place to be honest. A place to be honest to not anyone but yourself.

Today, I wrote three pages worth of thoughts and found a note next to my three pages, it was half a page and signed with a heart. As I read it over I found out today’s journaling was no different than this note, although greater in length. What I had been dealing with three weeks ago was one in the same, only at the time, I could not fester the truth. The truth takes time but it heal you, help you and harness the real you.

One day you’ll realize, “the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” (Anaïs Nin) Blossom, blossom.

Go on and Blossom.