“Fear ain’t in the heart of me. I learned just do it. You get courage in your fears right after you go through it.” – T. I.
There is something so beautiful about the past that is also absolutely terrifying.
Some people despise digging deep inside of their lives in fear that they will end up where they once were (myself included) but only recently have I finally decided to confront this fear. I packed no bags and headed to California for what would become the longest time I’ve been home since I’ve lived at home.
Home has always been my escape. It’s a place where most people (Lord’s blessing) find peace within themselves. To be absolutely honest I spent most of my days at home. In high school I worked about seven jobs, played sports and was super involved in school so most times after interning past 11 pm and volunteering on Sundays all I wanted to do was be home with my mom.
For the longest time I couldn’t help but thinking there was something weirdly, oddly, and abnormally, well mostly socially, wrong with me. I LOVE people. Why in the world did I spend most of my time working and on my mother’s lap? Truth was, that’s who I actually am. And I am perfectly fine with admitting that…actually OWNING that. I have spent most of my life working and spend most all my days either working on dreams or dreaming up new ones. That and eating way too much lamb curry…seriously.
Since my inception I’ve had two loves in my life: reading and writing. After a nice hot shower the other day (because that’s my thinking zone- go ahead, imagine me…jk that’s awkward…and so are you…k back to the story) I busted out in a shy-quiet-admirable yet kinda daring laughter. For some odd reason a tiny little junior high fling popped up in the back of my head (now this is getting really weird..remove your thoughts of me in the shower)… but no seriously.
There was this little boy (obviously he’s grown now..well I hope..not too sure where he is and that’s okay) who liked me oh so much that he wrote me a letter. It was the sweetest little letter and the more I thought about it the more I wish I would’ve kept it. Did I? After a couple days of thinking I decided to go through some of my old letters (thinking as in actually living my life and wondering why the heck that intrigued me so much). I knew I kept a good portion of all my old stuff but what I found was absolutely ….hilarious…compelling. I mean compelling…but mostly hilarious.
To be honest I laughed…A LOT. There is a giant drawer in my room full of old letters from family, friends, little boys and co-workers (not in that order and obviously now grown men now- don’t be creepy). As I started pulling apart the letters I was blown away, not only by the amount of notes I used to pass in class (yes I saved those too) but by how much some things just don’t change.
I found letters and letters FULL of the same dreams and ideas I believe in today (Yeah I even wrote to myself- deal with it). The more I delved in the more I found how much writing not only shaped my life but saved my life. There was a specific date to which all the letters had stopped. A point in my life where I stopped writing because it became too hard to bare the burden of my own truth.
Growing up I wrote everything. I read everything. I was in love with words. I am in love with words. Sometimes I would cancel days with friends to read behind my doors…today I cancel dates with boys to read in my bed (go ahead judge me..I don’t care). There was something so beautiful about the way in which words could stimulate your mind.
But somewhere along the lines I begin to rely on other people to do this and so I lost my mind and with that came the inability to do what I deeply love. There were certain relationships that harmed my well being but I did not see it at the time. Only today can I see how much periods of my life harmed my natural voice.
Only today can I feel how much those same periods of my life helped strengthen my voice. In times of darkness we often choose to hide and conceal the hurt but when we’re out we find that there is an abundant amount of brilliance and healing that comes during the darkest of these times.
Today I’m re-balancing my love for writing and reinvesting in the one thing that really makes me happy and chose to share it with you because I think there are truths within ourselves we sometimes hide. There are truths within our past that can guide us to becoming who we are meant to be but too often we think that what we’ve been through is holding us back from becoming who we actually have been striving to be this whole time.
But the more we live and the more we experience the more we feel ourselves coming back to the visions we’ve had in our mind all along. As we start to make goals and resolutions for ourselves I ask you to go back to a time when all you knew how to do was to live life as it came, not for what you wished to attain. A time when you didn’t look towards someone to guide your ‘what do you want to be when you grow up’ question but instead you busted out with confidence who you wanted to be.
For this I say go back to the young girl- the young boy- within you who knew nothing but to believe in their pursuits.
There are dreams within us all. It is our responsibility to delve into them.
An know that if there is fear, there also lies the space for great faith.
The visions in our mind sometimes just need a new start.
A chance at complete faith.
Nothing is ever over.
You define you.
Live your truth.
P.S. …in case you’re wondering… I never found the letter but I found other letters that have me rolling on the floor. So now I’m going to get back to rolling…love your past..it has shaped your present….you wouldn’t be who you are without it but it doesn’t mean that’s all you are. You have years to go. You have lives to meet. Keep going. You got this. Sending you love for all your dreams in 2015!
You. Your best you.